cfa_footballfandomcom-20200213-history
New Orleans Corsairs
The New Orleans Corsairs are a fictional football team based in the New Orleans area. They are a part of the fictional Continental Football Association (CFA). They are a member of the Gulf Division of the United Conference, along with the Vicksburg Rebels, West Texas Wranglers and Houston Pride. They play their home games at a YMCA field, officially known as "New Orleans Municipal Stadium", but known to fans as "Jean Lafitte Field". They are owned by an enigmatic figure called "Captain" Jack Stabben and are currently coached by "Undead" Bear Bryant. History The Corsairs began their journey to the CFA as a charter-member of the CF2 - an 8-team league that was created as a "minor league" of sorts for the CFA. The team played their CF2 seasons in Kansas City, Missouri as the Cougars. Kansas City Cougars (CF2 2015-2017) 2015 No content. 2016 No content. 2017 The Corsairs grew out of the smoldering ashes of the Kansas City Cougars. Kansas City was the final team to win the CF2 minor-league championship, notching a perfect 15-0 record in its final season. They were led into the CF2 championship game by a plucky young man named Kent Clapp (Superman/Herpes reference needed) who had all the God-given ability of a lego pirate, but they somehow managed to pull off the victory. Following the season, the Cougar franchise rights were sold to New Orleans area shrimp tycoon "Captain" Jack Stabben. The Cougars were promptly done away with and re-branded as the "Corsairs" upon their move to New Orleans. Said Stabben of the change, "I was never into cougars, I always liked my women young". New Orleans Corsairs (CFA 2018-Present) 2018 The Corsairs were introduced as part of the United Gulf division in the 2018 season of the CFA. Their first-year coaching staff included: Head Coach: Undead Bear Bryant Offensive Coordinator & Offensive Line: Howard Shmellenbergerstein- Never played organized football Receivers & TE: Jimmy Jack Juliard- Amateur football enthusiast RBs & QBs: Chang Shu Nguyen- Local karate instructor Defensive Line & Defensive Coordinator: Cecil "The Diesel" Collins- Inmate on work release Linebackers coach: Lawrence Tyalor- Lured out of retirement by promises of crack Defensive Backs coach: Ronnie Lott- Certified bad @$$ Special Teams Coach: Some mechanic from the local Wal Mart (replaced at mid-season by Some Homeless Guy) Despite low expectations, the Corsairs were able to take advantage of a weak schedule and competed well in their first season, despite having "all the talent of a troop of sloths" in the words of Bryant. They were able to grab victories over highly ranked opponents like the West Texas Wranglers and the Orlando Dragons. Key Players that season included RBs Chris Stafford & Robert Olson who both went over 1000 yards, QB Bryan Dupont who replaced the villainous and generally $hitty Jeffery Pittman around week 6, OTs Bryant Gonzalez and Dennis Dewitt who had over 100 pancakes between them, DT Shawn St. Pierre who led the team in sacks (14), linebackers Clifford Temple, Victor Cook and Heath Jackson who all had over 100 tackles and FS David Thompson who had 4 interceptions, 2 for TDs. The Corsairs finished the season ranked 1st & rushing offense and rushing defense. At some point during the season, "Captain" Jack Stabben revealed that his real name was actually Blain Clifton, but due to conflicts with another owner by the same name, he went by "Captain" Jack Stabben, which he always imagined would be a really good porn name. 2019 The Corsairs started the 2019 season with a bang by drafting an entire new starting defensive backfield, choosing 5 DBs in the first three rounds of the 2019 draft. Head coach "Undead" Bear Bryant shrugged off media questions about relying so heavily on rookies by stating "Well, the veterans sucked, so the rookie can't be that much worse, right? Least they're young and supple." After pre-season polls predicted the Corsairs to finish last in the league, team owner "Captain" Jack Stabben announced that he was releasing all coaches except for Head Coach "Undead" Bear Bryant and "Some Homeless Guy" whose name is possibly Rick. Year by Year Results